Fade to grey

After having a sspectacularly wonderful morning, Cam had one little incident spilling his water at school and has been manic ever since. This morning he was sweet, kind, compliant, eager to please, and in general a happy kid. This afternoon, he is violent, angry, jittery, talking non stop gibberish, deliberately looking for things to destroy, and in general a miserable kid. I hate that I get to see the kid he can be for half an hour and get my hopes up for a good day only to have them dashed to pieces by a spilled cup of water for Lord knows how long. Days, weeks, months go on like this. I can see it in his eyes how very out of control he feels, and how much he is trying to fight it, he just can't seem to win for long. Will anyone else ever see the sweet, kind, funny, coherent kid but me? Will he ever get control of his own mind? When he's a grown man, will he be able to keep himself from hurting the people he loves the most? Will I be able to keep our family safe from him until we get his meds right? Will I be able to hold it together through all this chaos to bring my family to the other side of this persistent menace that is mental illness? There are too many questions that I have no answers for, and too many that I do have the answers for that I just want to hide from. I used to be an optimist, and now I am forced to be a realist. It's not a role I like, but it is a role I must take on if there are going to be plans for their futures. I cannot be a pollyanna and just hope that it all turns out right, I have to make the hard choice to look to their futures and make plans for the worst, while hoping for better than we have now.

How to not think about psychotherapy all day long...

...better known as how I distract myself from my three ring circus life.  I admit it, I think most days about the mental health status of at least one member of my family if not all of them as well as myself.  I have to.  With as many alphabet soup letters flying around after my kids and I, it is impossible to ignore completely.  But I try!

I have been kicking an idea around in my head for the last few weeks.  It's like a fantasy world in my head, a nice little story line to distract me when I have some down time.  Kind of like a soap opera rattling around in there (as if I don't have enough drama with out it).  I tried to make it go away, but the characters kept getting more and more persistent.  I know some of you are probably thinking I've finally gone 'round the bend, but just stick with me for a little bit longer... I swear I'm not losing what's left of my mind.

 It had gotten so bad I was dreaming the finer little plot details in vivid, hard to ignore dreams.  So I decided to write it out in an outline, just to get it out of my head.  Because, as I'm sure you can imagine, I really can't afford to be distracted by a whole separate life that goes on in my head, right?  I thought it would be just a short little exercise and I would be shed of this silly little idea and get on with my life.  Then I thought, "ya' know, this would make a fun little short story".  I tried writing it, and honestly, as a short story, it just had no luster.  There was no shine to it, but in my mind, ahhhh... there it grew flesh and bones, it was glorious, it was curious, and it was poking at my brains ALL DAY LONG!!  There were all these people, and situations, and LIFE in it.  I tried to leave it alone, I tried to shove it away, I tried and tried and tried.  I need some rest in my life.  I have enough to do with out adding something else, and lets face it, I'm not exactly a finisher.  I start things and start more things and start even more things until I am overwhelmed with all the starts and never finish anything!  I know this about myself, I really do, so why won't this silly thought go away? 

I do not know the answer to that.  I really don't.  All I know is if I can't get it all out of my brain, I will never be able to get anything done.  So I am going to start another project.  One just for me.  If nothing ever comes of it, I will hopefully at least have gotten this silliness out of my head.  I am going to write a novel.  Not a poem, not a short story, and not a cheap dime store romance either, a real novel to make you question your choices in life and make you think hard about your beliefs.  A novel that has real characters and real meaning, and that maybe, just maybe will get my brain to SHUT THE HECK UP when I close my eyes and try to sleep.  I won't be sharing it here, I won't be sharing it with anyone, not even my dearest and most wonderful husband.  But I will be writing it, and if it's good or bad, or even just somewhere in between, it will have a voice. 

Hello Again!

I know I fell completely off the face of the earth. Things here have been... well, in a word strange. My life has taken some very odd twists and turns, and yet it all goes on as if time should pass normally. I have found a tiny bit of peace in my life in the midst of it all swirling around like a tornado, and I thought I'd share.



I have come to peace with the knowledge that my children may need to be medicated to lead a happy, "normal" life. I have also come to the same conclusion for myself, at least for the short term. I know there are some (possibly many) of you who would disagree. I would have disagreed with this decision a year ago, trust me. I have put much thought and focus and research into this, and after it was all said and done, we put lil' C on meds for sleep at night and regulation during the day. I wish I had done it earlier. He is so much happier and is having fun like a four year old should. Are the meds magic? Far from it, but if they can help him learn how to process life through a new, better filter, how can I NOT give him that opportunity? With the support of our post adoptive services (who I LOVE with all my heart, because they SEE us and love on us and our kids constantly) we now have a plan for healing for my little man! I could not be happier.


My road to healing has been a bit bumpier than I envisioned. After several panic attacks, one dissociative event, and many, many tears, I sought help. It has not been easy to find. Good, gentle, and helpful therapsists and pdocs are evidently a rare commodity. I have done much of the work on my own, while still looking for the right fit. I found a wonderful pdoc for myself who was able to help, if not fully comprehend the scope of my life. Not that it's all that easy to understand these days! I am now feeling more like myself than I have in more than 14 years. I can get up and move, I can even *gasp* exercise. If you have never been in the pit, you have no idea how hard those very simple things can be, and how precious they can be. I am still in search of a therapist, but things are looking brighter by far.



Looking forward to getting (and keeping) my life back! Being the consummate non-finisher that I am, I don't plan on keeping up with that 30 day photo challenge I put up, but I may construct another one for myself... something along the lines of "Thirty days in the life...". Loving you all and looking forward to sharing more soon!

Day 1 Photo Challenge

This is me in all my work clothes glory!  Not a picture I love, but it's pretty accurate. This is my daily attire while I work and slave doing what I love.  So here are the 10 facts about me...

1. I didn't realize how much I've changed until I took this picture
2. I will be eating right and exercising soon
3. I am more in love with my husband than ever before
4. I love my herdlings more than I love myself
5. I am officially a business woman (who knew?)
6. I am broken inside, and I know it
7. I love all things old and dusty
8. My aunt gave me bags full of treasure this weekend, and it makes me giddy
9. I had a pretty awesome childhood and still talk to the kids on the block
10. Probably most important~ God is working big things in my life right now

Now take a look at that lady one more time... she will be changed by the end of this 30 day challenge... I guarantee it!

30 Day Photo Challenge

Alright, I stole this from my good fiend friend Dory(love ya' girlie!), and tweaked it just a bit, but the concept stuck with me.  Play along if you want and post your blog in the comments section, so we can all see your life in pictures for the next 30 days.



Here are the daily suggestions. Feel free to alter them if you wish.  Now I'm off to take a picture of myself that I can live with and blog about.  Just a side note, looks like you'll be seeing more than a few pics of Big Daddy, he fits almost every category!


Day 1: A picture of yourself with 10 facts.




Day 2: A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.



Day 3: A picture of the cast of players in your house.



Day 4: A picture of your night.



Day 5: A picture of your favorite memory.



Day 6: A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day.



Day 7: A picture of your most treasured item.



Day 8: A picture that makes you laugh.



Day 9: A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.



Day 10: A picture of the person who you do the most messed up things with.



Day 11: A picture of something you hate.



Day 12: A picture of something you love.



Day 13: A picture of you with each one of your kids~individually.



Day 14: A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.



Day 15: A picture of something you want to accomplish before you die.



Day 16: A picture of someone who inspires you.



Day 17: A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.



Day 18: A picture of your biggest insecurity.



Day 19: A picture of your favorite letter or number.



Day 20: A picture of yourself in the morning- no cheating.



Day 21: A picture of something you wish you could forget.



Day 22: A picture of something you wish you were better at.



Day 23: A picture of your favorite book.



Day 24: A picture of something you wish you could change.



Day 25: A picture of your day.



Day 26: A picture of something that means a lot to you.



Day 27: A picture of yourself and a family member.



Day 28: A picture of something you’re afraid of.



Day 29: A picture of something that can always make you smile.



Day 30: A picture of someone you miss.

Therapy... For me

I've talked about it in the past.  I've had very little success finding it.  But this week, I finally located it.  This "it" I speak of, what is it?  HELP!  That's what it is!  I think I've finally found it, and it's right here in the neighborhood, too!

This help comes in the form of a therapist.  I spoke with her on the phone at length about my/our situation and not only does she think she can help me, she knows all about RAD!  Unfortunately she doesn't take on kids as clients, but she has several RAD moms in her care.  She even asked what therapies we're using!  So far I'm thrilled with her.  We have our first in person session next week.  Let the healing begin.

The downside?  I almost threw up just dialing her number.  I am terrified, folks!  I was literally shaking just leaving a message for her.  While we were on the phone and I was giving her some background info, I was nanoseconds from having a panic attack.  Reliving the past, and healing old wounds is an EXTREMELY horrifying concept for me.  I spent the day just shy of the fetal position, and avoided my family and my parents (sorry mom) for fear of having someone notice my terror and having to talk about it.  Who knew healing was so scary?!  Writing this post, I'm still feeling a little sick to my stomach, but I am doing it!  I will heal, I will get through this, and I will come out the other side better for it, and better for helping my kids heal.  I am going to be brave!  Don't be fooled, healing is truly hero work.  Just ask my kids!

The Invisible Child

I have an invisible child.  No, his name is not "Not Me" or "I didn't do it" or even " I dunno".  He is none of those things, he is very real and yet somehow, he escapes notice around here quite often.  He is quiet, he is compliant, he fly just under the radar most days.  He is my son.

With all the drama that happens here on a daily basis, his willingness to stay unnoticed makes him darn near invisible.  You would think with all the constant discipline issues in our house, that would be a blessing, right?  Well, some days I won't lie, it IS a huge blessing, but most days I just feel horrid about it. 

You see, he is a RAD kid too.  He is healing, he has his moments, but he is healing.  And yet, he just dissappears most days in the face of his more demonstrative siblings!  And with the lack of energy to deal with more, I let him.  Lately he has been headed the wrong way... you know, the way of the RAD, *that* way.  And I really am starting to wish I had spent more time chasing down the invisible kid.  

I have guilt, mommy guilt, hard core mommy sucks at this theraputic parenting thing guilt, guilt that seeps into my very soul.  Because I could have prevented this invisible kiddo from the backsliding I've been witness to.  He is crying out for help by becoming what he sees in his siblings every day, what he worked so hard to get past.  And all I had to do was pay attention.  All I had to do was take time to notice.  And I didn't.  Because I was so caught up in all that is our crazy family life and my own stuff.  And that, readers, is a sorry excuse!  I love this boy more than life itself, but I let him slip by one too many times. 

I am hoping to be able to give him more of what he needs.  I am hoping to be a better mommy, if just for today.  I am hoping he decides being invisible is only for comic books, and in real life, it's much better to be here and present in the moment.  Wanna join me in some hope?  Love your invisible child today, hold them till they feel real.

Progress

Last night the most amazing thing happened. I know some of you who read this will see it as "normal" behaviour.  In our house, I can assure you it is not her "normal", it is HUGE progress! 

After her first day back to school after spring break, I have to say it went fairly well. She stayed on green all day long.  She seemed to be in a decent mood, but not with out the usual stick poking and general dirty looks we have come to expect.  To be honest, it was just a regular day in the life.  And then something extraordinary happened.

We were going about our regular bedtime routine, and were about to head upstairs when she shocked me into almost silence for several minutes.  She looked up into my eyes ( a HUGE thing in and of itself), and said "Mommy, lets stick together like glue until bedtime"  and proceeded to put her little arm around my waist and "glue" her bum to my thigh as we walked up the stairs.  We unglued long enough to brush her teeth and go pee, and even those things, which are usually a fight, went well.  As soon as we were done with the hugs all around, she just wrapped her arm around me again and we three leg walked to her bed.  She unglued reluctantly and held me tight as we said our prayers.  As I walked out of the room, she said "I love you, mom, see you in the morning" and she REALLY meant it!  I loved every minute of it!

This morning she was back to her "normal" tricks.  Pretending she didn't know how to open the pantry, eating her breakfast like a three year old, dirty looks galore, pretending to not know how to get out of the van, but I got a whole thirty minutes of pure love the night before, and that gives me hope!  I can endure all the stick poking if I can see the hope!

Healing Trauma

I vowed not to blog again until I dealt with my own trauma, and was in a better place to deal with my kid's trauma.  I was wrong.  Let me say it again for all of you who don't hear it enough... I WAS WRONG!!

I have come to a place that I truly believe God gave me these blessings to heal my own crazy while helping them heal theirs.  No easy feat, I tell ya', but there it is.  That being said, I feel like maybe I could help others along the way.  I'm no superwoman~ no, family (they really think I am), I'm not!  I am broken and hurting and trying to make sense of my life.  If me writing my journey through the loneliness and pain helps me, then it might help others.

I will not go into my own trauma here.  I just don't think it's necessary or even beneficial to anyone.  Just know it's there, and it makes me more like my RADlings than I care to admit.  On many levels, I know that is why God gave them to me.  I see myself in their eyes every. single. day.  It is painful.  It makes me want to turn away.  It makes me physically ill.  It makes me ANGRY!  For their sakes I will choose to die to myself, and get the help I need, so that I can better understand how to heal their hearts before it is too late.

So things on this blog may take a turn.  Not for the worse, hopefully for the better, but most certainly off the well worn path.  If you care to join me, I'd be happy to hold a hand for a while, share some laughs, and walk for a while with you.  Come join me on my journey.

PS~  If you are related to me, and are worried I'm losing it and you feel the need to worry about me, please know that I AM okay, I WILL be fine, and this is nothing new under the sun.  I am still the same person, now you just know a bit more than before.

Taking a break

Ok, I feel really rotten about this, but I'm taking a break from blogging about our family for now.  I am not in a great place personally, and it reflects on how I feel about my family.  I don't want this to become a dumping ground for all my "stuff", so until I get MY stuff under control and I can start my little herd on a healing journey, I am putting this blog on hold.

If you would like to keep up with my crafty journey in my new business, send me an email and I will add you to that blog.  It's pretty light and fun, just a peek into my crafty world.

Short update for the last month

Sorry!! It's been a crazy couple of weeks to say the least. I am trying to get better, and that requires me to rest frequently and TRY not to do too much. Yesterday I failed miserably at the last part... the 'nanna nut muffins pushed me over the edge! I am slowly but surely getting back to the way things were, so I thought I'd give you a quick update as to what we've been up to for the last month or so.

• Waaaay back in mid December I had the priviledge to spend the day celebrating Christmas with my extended family. It was such a blessing to see everyone, and those of you who couldn't make it, you were sorely missed. The food was fabulous (fajitas with all the fixin's) and the company was even better! It was a wonderful reminder of how much a REALLY TRULY love my family.

• I enjoyed a wonderful evening with some of the ladies from Co-op, and got a well deserved break from being a mom for the evening(thanks Big Daddy).

• I was inspired to start a new business, and given a name for it to boot! Paper Mountains blog went live today, which means I met my goal for getting it up and running by mid January... Yea me!!!!

• We spent a fun evening out as a family looking at Christmas lights and being lost in the wonder of it all.

• I took several trips to see my family doctor for a crazy cough that would NOT go away eventually seeing a pulmonologist who still had no answers, just steroids...

• We spent a wonderful Chritmas Eve at my parent's house culminating in a fabulous Vespers Dinner and sleeping children all around~ Ok, so they had to be seperated and no-one got to sleep without a good talking to, and sleep didn't come until nearly midnight and I was in tears, but sleep finally came for all of them. I am so blessed to have a mom and dad who love me and all my crazy life!

• Christmas day was a blur, but the standouts were Maple Bacon Oven Pancake, watching the kids open their gifts in their jammies, and a great evening with Big Daddy's extended family. Good food, and fun company.

• New Years was spent at the farm with Big Daddy's parents. It was uneventful in the best way, and we got to spend lots of time outside in nature, and Lovey L got to be with her Monkey and even rode for a while.

• All my big plans for the start of the year were put on hold the first Sunday of the year due to breaking a rib while coughing (yes, it really can happen).

• Fast Forward through the past few weeks of Vicoden and resting, and resting and Motrin, and more resting while the kids and Big Daddy were pulling my weight (which is considerable these days what with all the Vicoden and steroids) and here we are!

I am going to start schooling the kids again in something besides math and reading, and we'll be headed back to some kind of normal soon. Look for some Artsy Fartsy Wednedays and some other fun stuff dealing with RAD and our crazy brood coming soon.

In Loving Memory

After 12 beautiful years, our Princer Puppy has gone home.  He will be missed greatly.  Our family will never be the same without him.  Hopefully sometime in the near future, I will get back to my regular blogging schedule.  In the meantime, we will be trying to move forward one day at a time.