Hello Again!

I know I fell completely off the face of the earth. Things here have been... well, in a word strange. My life has taken some very odd twists and turns, and yet it all goes on as if time should pass normally. I have found a tiny bit of peace in my life in the midst of it all swirling around like a tornado, and I thought I'd share.



I have come to peace with the knowledge that my children may need to be medicated to lead a happy, "normal" life. I have also come to the same conclusion for myself, at least for the short term. I know there are some (possibly many) of you who would disagree. I would have disagreed with this decision a year ago, trust me. I have put much thought and focus and research into this, and after it was all said and done, we put lil' C on meds for sleep at night and regulation during the day. I wish I had done it earlier. He is so much happier and is having fun like a four year old should. Are the meds magic? Far from it, but if they can help him learn how to process life through a new, better filter, how can I NOT give him that opportunity? With the support of our post adoptive services (who I LOVE with all my heart, because they SEE us and love on us and our kids constantly) we now have a plan for healing for my little man! I could not be happier.


My road to healing has been a bit bumpier than I envisioned. After several panic attacks, one dissociative event, and many, many tears, I sought help. It has not been easy to find. Good, gentle, and helpful therapsists and pdocs are evidently a rare commodity. I have done much of the work on my own, while still looking for the right fit. I found a wonderful pdoc for myself who was able to help, if not fully comprehend the scope of my life. Not that it's all that easy to understand these days! I am now feeling more like myself than I have in more than 14 years. I can get up and move, I can even *gasp* exercise. If you have never been in the pit, you have no idea how hard those very simple things can be, and how precious they can be. I am still in search of a therapist, but things are looking brighter by far.



Looking forward to getting (and keeping) my life back! Being the consummate non-finisher that I am, I don't plan on keeping up with that 30 day photo challenge I put up, but I may construct another one for myself... something along the lines of "Thirty days in the life...". Loving you all and looking forward to sharing more soon!

Therapy... For me

I've talked about it in the past.  I've had very little success finding it.  But this week, I finally located it.  This "it" I speak of, what is it?  HELP!  That's what it is!  I think I've finally found it, and it's right here in the neighborhood, too!

This help comes in the form of a therapist.  I spoke with her on the phone at length about my/our situation and not only does she think she can help me, she knows all about RAD!  Unfortunately she doesn't take on kids as clients, but she has several RAD moms in her care.  She even asked what therapies we're using!  So far I'm thrilled with her.  We have our first in person session next week.  Let the healing begin.

The downside?  I almost threw up just dialing her number.  I am terrified, folks!  I was literally shaking just leaving a message for her.  While we were on the phone and I was giving her some background info, I was nanoseconds from having a panic attack.  Reliving the past, and healing old wounds is an EXTREMELY horrifying concept for me.  I spent the day just shy of the fetal position, and avoided my family and my parents (sorry mom) for fear of having someone notice my terror and having to talk about it.  Who knew healing was so scary?!  Writing this post, I'm still feeling a little sick to my stomach, but I am doing it!  I will heal, I will get through this, and I will come out the other side better for it, and better for helping my kids heal.  I am going to be brave!  Don't be fooled, healing is truly hero work.  Just ask my kids!