I have an invisible child. No, his name is not "Not Me" or "I didn't do it" or even " I dunno". He is none of those things, he is very real and yet somehow, he escapes notice around here quite often. He is quiet, he is compliant, he fly just under the radar most days. He is my son.
With all the drama that happens here on a daily basis, his willingness to stay unnoticed makes him darn near invisible. You would think with all the constant discipline issues in our house, that would be a blessing, right? Well, some days I won't lie, it IS a huge blessing, but most days I just feel horrid about it.
You see, he is a RAD kid too. He is healing, he has his moments, but he is healing. And yet, he just dissappears most days in the face of his more demonstrative siblings! And with the lack of energy to deal with more, I let him. Lately he has been headed the wrong way... you know, the way of the RAD, *that* way. And I really am starting to wish I had spent more time chasing down the invisible kid.
I have guilt, mommy guilt, hard core mommy sucks at this theraputic parenting thing guilt, guilt that seeps into my very soul. Because I could have prevented this invisible kiddo from the backsliding I've been witness to. He is crying out for help by becoming what he sees in his siblings every day, what he worked so hard to get past. And all I had to do was pay attention. All I had to do was take time to notice. And I didn't. Because I was so caught up in all that is our crazy family life and my own stuff. And that, readers, is a sorry excuse! I love this boy more than life itself, but I let him slip by one too many times.
I am hoping to be able to give him more of what he needs. I am hoping to be a better mommy, if just for today. I am hoping he decides being invisible is only for comic books, and in real life, it's much better to be here and present in the moment. Wanna join me in some hope? Love your invisible child today, hold them till they feel real.
Showing posts with label family stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family stuff. Show all posts
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Saturday, December 11, 2010
I Missed Her Today
She is on my mind alot this time of year in particular. It was her favorite time of year. I know, I know, most people love this time of year, but it always gave my Oma such joy to be with all of us this time of year. It put a twinkle in her eyes like nothing else did~ and her eyes twinkled ALOT!!! Whether it was with mischief(frequently), laughter (always), or plain pride(in all of us, of course), it seemed to me her eyes were always twinkling. I so miss that twinkle.
And today while cleaning some things in the cabinet I came across a small piece in her church newsletter that they wrote about her. It decribed her so PERFECTLY that it brought me to tears that I haven't come back from yet. So, I thought I'd share a little about how who she was shaped who I am today.
I learned so many things while at her kitchen table. How to eat being the first order of business. It seemed like I was never quite plump enough to suit Oma. It makes me giggle now, but back then it meant I had to eat all kinds of crazy stuff. Like red cabbage, cabbage rolls, goulash, bratwurst, sauerkraut. I learned to love all those thing later in life, but as a little one, it seemed to be a never ending variation on cabbage (well, it kinda was). But the thing I looked forward to the most was the noodles. Oh, the noodles... covered in butter, or sauce, or even better, crunchies. I lived for those noodles. I think she'd appove of my plumpness these days. I still have my love for noodles, they're on the table several nights a week, but I never did master the art of the sauce. Or maybe it was the cookies, or the cake, or the kolaches that I lived for. It was ALLL good. As a matter of fact, it was GREAT!
I learned the art of visiting there too. I remember many many nights spent just sitting and listening to the grown ups visit. It wasn't until it got late in the evening and the grown ups got rowdy that my Oma or my mom would shoo my little brother and I into the living room. I heard all about her life growing up in Romania, her time in Germany, her trip across Poland during the second World War. I heard aunts and uncles visit, discuss, and downright argue, but we were together, so no matter what it was a priviledge just to be there. I learned the art of listening to the same story told over and over and never appearing bored, because she had great stories that needed telling and were SO worth hearing even if you had no idea who the characters in the story were. There is a subtle give and take in visiting, and she had it down to a science. I like to think I learned a thing or two about visiting while in her company.
I learned about the importance of family. She taught me that no matter what, we were a family and we were all we had! I learned that distance and time apart didn't mean a thing if you had a family like ours. I grew up thinking ALL families were like mine. That everyone spent every holiday together, and the time between looking forward to the next time we would be together again. I realized later in life that this kind family is more like a fairy tale, and in reality it's a little (ok, alot) scary for those being brought into the inner circle for the first time. I think every person who has ever married into this crazy family has a story to tell about their first time. It was a right of passage kind of thing, if you could handle the fam, and navigate the ever present food with grace, you were in... after a little hazing of course. We're a little more overwhelming these days. There are more of us (and yes some of that falls squarely on me), and we're a little more spread out, but we are a family, and we're a family because she made us this way.
In her kitchen I learned how to cook without measuring. Ok, I know to most of you you don't think of that as a life skill, but I love knowing that I don't have to measure to make things that are edible. It takes the pressure off! Knowing that with a couple of eggs and some flour and water I can make spetzle noodles from scratch if I want, frees me up to create amazing food! Oma rarely followed a recipe, and we tried more often than not to get her to let us write it down, but when we did get it on paper, she almost always left a little *something* out. I'm pretty sure she did it just so none of us could ever cook as well as she did. It still makes me laugh!
I think the most important thing she taught me was how to live my life without bitterness and defeat. My Oma, she went through so much in her life. Hardship was never far off, even her life here in America was full of trials. Yet through it all she never gave up, and she went about life with a joyful spirit. The person she was drew people to her like a magnet. Not just her family, but everyone within a hundred mile radius! It was magical to see her in action. Her mouth was always smiling and inviting more and more people into our little family. We never knew who might show up to dinner at Oma's, but it was sure to be a treat. Because of her, I have learned to trust in God for His grace in my life and be thankful for everything and everyone in my life, instead of focusing on all the things that have gone awry.
Tonight, I cried. I cried for the loss of someone who taught me so much about life and how to live it. It's been years since she passed, but her spirit lives on here everyday. So this season, while I'm muttering about parenting woes, and too much shopping to do, and endless tasks to undertake, I'll try to remember the lessons she taught me: To eat and love it, to listen closely to others life stories, to value my family and make sure they know it, to wing it sometimes... in life and in the kitchen, and to never give up and just keep on trusting God that He knows what He's doing better than I do, so I should just keep smiling and inviting people to join me at His table.
And today while cleaning some things in the cabinet I came across a small piece in her church newsletter that they wrote about her. It decribed her so PERFECTLY that it brought me to tears that I haven't come back from yet. So, I thought I'd share a little about how who she was shaped who I am today.
I learned so many things while at her kitchen table. How to eat being the first order of business. It seemed like I was never quite plump enough to suit Oma. It makes me giggle now, but back then it meant I had to eat all kinds of crazy stuff. Like red cabbage, cabbage rolls, goulash, bratwurst, sauerkraut. I learned to love all those thing later in life, but as a little one, it seemed to be a never ending variation on cabbage (well, it kinda was). But the thing I looked forward to the most was the noodles. Oh, the noodles... covered in butter, or sauce, or even better, crunchies. I lived for those noodles. I think she'd appove of my plumpness these days. I still have my love for noodles, they're on the table several nights a week, but I never did master the art of the sauce. Or maybe it was the cookies, or the cake, or the kolaches that I lived for. It was ALLL good. As a matter of fact, it was GREAT!
I learned the art of visiting there too. I remember many many nights spent just sitting and listening to the grown ups visit. It wasn't until it got late in the evening and the grown ups got rowdy that my Oma or my mom would shoo my little brother and I into the living room. I heard all about her life growing up in Romania, her time in Germany, her trip across Poland during the second World War. I heard aunts and uncles visit, discuss, and downright argue, but we were together, so no matter what it was a priviledge just to be there. I learned the art of listening to the same story told over and over and never appearing bored, because she had great stories that needed telling and were SO worth hearing even if you had no idea who the characters in the story were. There is a subtle give and take in visiting, and she had it down to a science. I like to think I learned a thing or two about visiting while in her company.
I learned about the importance of family. She taught me that no matter what, we were a family and we were all we had! I learned that distance and time apart didn't mean a thing if you had a family like ours. I grew up thinking ALL families were like mine. That everyone spent every holiday together, and the time between looking forward to the next time we would be together again. I realized later in life that this kind family is more like a fairy tale, and in reality it's a little (ok, alot) scary for those being brought into the inner circle for the first time. I think every person who has ever married into this crazy family has a story to tell about their first time. It was a right of passage kind of thing, if you could handle the fam, and navigate the ever present food with grace, you were in... after a little hazing of course. We're a little more overwhelming these days. There are more of us (and yes some of that falls squarely on me), and we're a little more spread out, but we are a family, and we're a family because she made us this way.
In her kitchen I learned how to cook without measuring. Ok, I know to most of you you don't think of that as a life skill, but I love knowing that I don't have to measure to make things that are edible. It takes the pressure off! Knowing that with a couple of eggs and some flour and water I can make spetzle noodles from scratch if I want, frees me up to create amazing food! Oma rarely followed a recipe, and we tried more often than not to get her to let us write it down, but when we did get it on paper, she almost always left a little *something* out. I'm pretty sure she did it just so none of us could ever cook as well as she did. It still makes me laugh!
I think the most important thing she taught me was how to live my life without bitterness and defeat. My Oma, she went through so much in her life. Hardship was never far off, even her life here in America was full of trials. Yet through it all she never gave up, and she went about life with a joyful spirit. The person she was drew people to her like a magnet. Not just her family, but everyone within a hundred mile radius! It was magical to see her in action. Her mouth was always smiling and inviting more and more people into our little family. We never knew who might show up to dinner at Oma's, but it was sure to be a treat. Because of her, I have learned to trust in God for His grace in my life and be thankful for everything and everyone in my life, instead of focusing on all the things that have gone awry.
Tonight, I cried. I cried for the loss of someone who taught me so much about life and how to live it. It's been years since she passed, but her spirit lives on here everyday. So this season, while I'm muttering about parenting woes, and too much shopping to do, and endless tasks to undertake, I'll try to remember the lessons she taught me: To eat and love it, to listen closely to others life stories, to value my family and make sure they know it, to wing it sometimes... in life and in the kitchen, and to never give up and just keep on trusting God that He knows what He's doing better than I do, so I should just keep smiling and inviting people to join me at His table.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Door Alarms, Pee, and Tantrums, Oh My
I was in denial! I thought our little RADling was having a pretty good run until this last week. I knew starting Kindergarten would set her back a ways, but I was unprepared for how it would affect her and the rest of our family as well. It has affected EVERYONE!
Lets begin at the beginning. Miss P was having a good first week at school, and even a pretty good second week. This last week she let it ALL hang out! She started last week with the usual pee/hygiene issues. We try not to let those get to us for the most part, but come on, after a while you just start to lose it! By the weekend it had progressed from hygiene to flat out peeing in her bed and sitting in it for hours- on purpose people. She woke up early and decided to pee her clothes and bed... while wearing a pull-up! But, I'm getting ahead of myself. On Thursday, I went to get her from her room time after school, and looked around to see quite a few things in her room that did not belong to her, most of them chewed beyond repair. I asked about them, and of course, received a lie. "They were here when I got home" ummmm... yeah, sure they were! Some time later, I got what I believe is the truth. She was sneaking out of her room at night, taking toys from the play room, and hiding them in her room to chew on later. This after her clogging the toilet with toilet paper in the middle of the night. When asked why she thought it was ok for her to get up in the middle of the night, she replied...
"I heard the bath water, so you and daddy were in the bath" (Yes, we bathe together most nights, it's our only time alone all day). Upon further investigation, she has been getting up most nights to do who knows what! And better still she had been pack ratting all kinds of things under her dresser that didn't belong to her! So off I went to get an alarm for her door. I thought we had a better handle on things than we do. I was wrong. One of the first things I read when I figured out Miss P had RAD was to get a door alarm. Silly me, I thought that was just for the serious hard core kids... guess I was way off base. I took all of the things she could destroy away, and left her with a few very basic toys. I feel like such a meanie! So, by Sunday morning when she peed the bed and laid/wallowed in it, and told me it was because she was too scared to open her door and go to the bathroom... let me tell you I just. about. LOST IT! Just in case you are wondering, I have ALL the kids pee before they go to bed, and we get nothing to drink after 8 o'clock. She had peed, by my estimation of the dampness of her bed and clothes, around 3 hours earlier... WAAAY before she usually gets up and has to pee! I know for alot of you this is TMI, but if it helps some of you out there understand where we are, then so be it.
To add to this little gem of a week, Lil C is going through a really tough adjustment period. He has started Pre-K two days a week and is going with us to Co-op on Fridays. He is very unsure about being away from me so often. Sadly, that usually means when he is around me, I get beat up on, whined at, and generally abused. He has been so very hard to take this last two weeks. I know it sounds like the usual three year old stuff, but if you could see the loathing in his eyes, you would know different. I spend most of my time with him trying to hold and comfort him while he rails against me and whines that he wants me at the same time. All the while, he is trying to throw himself on the floor and pitch a tantrum. His little brain is so conflicted. His impulse control is almost nothing these days, little people have been flying in all directions, so we mostly duck and cover! It's crazy!
And poor A2 is not handling these transitions much better, although, he is coming back around the bend much faster than we expected. He misses his little brother and sister dearly when they are gone. He mopes around here like a lost ghost. Unfortunately he has headed back down the familiar path of telling you what he thinks you want to hear anytime you ask him a question. That usually leads to lies and fabrications on his part, and much gnashing of the teeth on his parents part. I have been distracting him with lots of new school work, and he seems to be coming through it, so we're just keeping our fingers crossed.
So, now you know, and knowing is half the battle! Just so you know, this week is starting out a little better so far. No major tantrums and no PEEEEEE! Yea me!
Lets begin at the beginning. Miss P was having a good first week at school, and even a pretty good second week. This last week she let it ALL hang out! She started last week with the usual pee/hygiene issues. We try not to let those get to us for the most part, but come on, after a while you just start to lose it! By the weekend it had progressed from hygiene to flat out peeing in her bed and sitting in it for hours- on purpose people. She woke up early and decided to pee her clothes and bed... while wearing a pull-up! But, I'm getting ahead of myself. On Thursday, I went to get her from her room time after school, and looked around to see quite a few things in her room that did not belong to her, most of them chewed beyond repair. I asked about them, and of course, received a lie. "They were here when I got home" ummmm... yeah, sure they were! Some time later, I got what I believe is the truth. She was sneaking out of her room at night, taking toys from the play room, and hiding them in her room to chew on later. This after her clogging the toilet with toilet paper in the middle of the night. When asked why she thought it was ok for her to get up in the middle of the night, she replied...
"I heard the bath water, so you and daddy were in the bath" (Yes, we bathe together most nights, it's our only time alone all day). Upon further investigation, she has been getting up most nights to do who knows what! And better still she had been pack ratting all kinds of things under her dresser that didn't belong to her! So off I went to get an alarm for her door. I thought we had a better handle on things than we do. I was wrong. One of the first things I read when I figured out Miss P had RAD was to get a door alarm. Silly me, I thought that was just for the serious hard core kids... guess I was way off base. I took all of the things she could destroy away, and left her with a few very basic toys. I feel like such a meanie! So, by Sunday morning when she peed the bed and laid/wallowed in it, and told me it was because she was too scared to open her door and go to the bathroom... let me tell you I just. about. LOST IT! Just in case you are wondering, I have ALL the kids pee before they go to bed, and we get nothing to drink after 8 o'clock. She had peed, by my estimation of the dampness of her bed and clothes, around 3 hours earlier... WAAAY before she usually gets up and has to pee! I know for alot of you this is TMI, but if it helps some of you out there understand where we are, then so be it.
To add to this little gem of a week, Lil C is going through a really tough adjustment period. He has started Pre-K two days a week and is going with us to Co-op on Fridays. He is very unsure about being away from me so often. Sadly, that usually means when he is around me, I get beat up on, whined at, and generally abused. He has been so very hard to take this last two weeks. I know it sounds like the usual three year old stuff, but if you could see the loathing in his eyes, you would know different. I spend most of my time with him trying to hold and comfort him while he rails against me and whines that he wants me at the same time. All the while, he is trying to throw himself on the floor and pitch a tantrum. His little brain is so conflicted. His impulse control is almost nothing these days, little people have been flying in all directions, so we mostly duck and cover! It's crazy!
And poor A2 is not handling these transitions much better, although, he is coming back around the bend much faster than we expected. He misses his little brother and sister dearly when they are gone. He mopes around here like a lost ghost. Unfortunately he has headed back down the familiar path of telling you what he thinks you want to hear anytime you ask him a question. That usually leads to lies and fabrications on his part, and much gnashing of the teeth on his parents part. I have been distracting him with lots of new school work, and he seems to be coming through it, so we're just keeping our fingers crossed.
So, now you know, and knowing is half the battle! Just so you know, this week is starting out a little better so far. No major tantrums and no PEEEEEE! Yea me!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I quick update... then back to normal on Monday
Just a quick update! It has been a VERY long week and a half! Sorry for not posting, I've just been in the trenches with all the backlash from the little bit of love I saw from miss P! Seems everyone in our family has decided to dysregulate at the same time. In case you were wondering, there is NO fun in dysfunctional! As of now, we have an alarm on Miss P's door for reasons I'll detail in a later post, Awesome A2 is lying and when he's not lying, he's not talking, Lil C is violent and angry all the time, Lovely L is having what we think is a relapse of her Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and Eldest A is just too excited about her upcoming weekend with her best friend to bother being dysfunctional right now(even with the purple monster syndrome looming). And me??? I've had my yearly visit to the hoochy doctor, and lets say it was the WORST experience I've ever had in regards to this type of visit! So all in all, I'm hoping to get back to the regularly scheduled programming by Monday! Hope this weekend finds you all well and having more fun than me!
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