I have an invisible child. No, his name is not "Not Me" or "I didn't do it" or even " I dunno". He is none of those things, he is very real and yet somehow, he escapes notice around here quite often. He is quiet, he is compliant, he fly just under the radar most days. He is my son.
With all the drama that happens here on a daily basis, his willingness to stay unnoticed makes him darn near invisible. You would think with all the constant discipline issues in our house, that would be a blessing, right? Well, some days I won't lie, it IS a huge blessing, but most days I just feel horrid about it.
You see, he is a RAD kid too. He is healing, he has his moments, but he is healing. And yet, he just dissappears most days in the face of his more demonstrative siblings! And with the lack of energy to deal with more, I let him. Lately he has been headed the wrong way... you know, the way of the RAD, *that* way. And I really am starting to wish I had spent more time chasing down the invisible kid.
I have guilt, mommy guilt, hard core mommy sucks at this theraputic parenting thing guilt, guilt that seeps into my very soul. Because I could have prevented this invisible kiddo from the backsliding I've been witness to. He is crying out for help by becoming what he sees in his siblings every day, what he worked so hard to get past. And all I had to do was pay attention. All I had to do was take time to notice. And I didn't. Because I was so caught up in all that is our crazy family life and my own stuff. And that, readers, is a sorry excuse! I love this boy more than life itself, but I let him slip by one too many times.
I am hoping to be able to give him more of what he needs. I am hoping to be a better mommy, if just for today. I am hoping he decides being invisible is only for comic books, and in real life, it's much better to be here and present in the moment. Wanna join me in some hope? Love your invisible child today, hold them till they feel real.
Showing posts with label RAD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label RAD. Show all posts
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Progress
Last night the most amazing thing happened. I know some of you who read this will see it as "normal" behaviour. In our house, I can assure you it is not her "normal", it is HUGE progress!
After her first day back to school after spring break, I have to say it went fairly well. She stayed on green all day long. She seemed to be in a decent mood, but not with out the usual stick poking and general dirty looks we have come to expect. To be honest, it was just a regular day in the life. And then something extraordinary happened.
We were going about our regular bedtime routine, and were about to head upstairs when she shocked me into almost silence for several minutes. She looked up into my eyes ( a HUGE thing in and of itself), and said "Mommy, lets stick together like glue until bedtime" and proceeded to put her little arm around my waist and "glue" her bum to my thigh as we walked up the stairs. We unglued long enough to brush her teeth and go pee, and even those things, which are usually a fight, went well. As soon as we were done with the hugs all around, she just wrapped her arm around me again and we three leg walked to her bed. She unglued reluctantly and held me tight as we said our prayers. As I walked out of the room, she said "I love you, mom, see you in the morning" and she REALLY meant it! I loved every minute of it!
This morning she was back to her "normal" tricks. Pretending she didn't know how to open the pantry, eating her breakfast like a three year old, dirty looks galore, pretending to not know how to get out of the van, but I got a whole thirty minutes of pure love the night before, and that gives me hope! I can endure all the stick poking if I can see the hope!
After her first day back to school after spring break, I have to say it went fairly well. She stayed on green all day long. She seemed to be in a decent mood, but not with out the usual stick poking and general dirty looks we have come to expect. To be honest, it was just a regular day in the life. And then something extraordinary happened.
We were going about our regular bedtime routine, and were about to head upstairs when she shocked me into almost silence for several minutes. She looked up into my eyes ( a HUGE thing in and of itself), and said "Mommy, lets stick together like glue until bedtime" and proceeded to put her little arm around my waist and "glue" her bum to my thigh as we walked up the stairs. We unglued long enough to brush her teeth and go pee, and even those things, which are usually a fight, went well. As soon as we were done with the hugs all around, she just wrapped her arm around me again and we three leg walked to her bed. She unglued reluctantly and held me tight as we said our prayers. As I walked out of the room, she said "I love you, mom, see you in the morning" and she REALLY meant it! I loved every minute of it!
This morning she was back to her "normal" tricks. Pretending she didn't know how to open the pantry, eating her breakfast like a three year old, dirty looks galore, pretending to not know how to get out of the van, but I got a whole thirty minutes of pure love the night before, and that gives me hope! I can endure all the stick poking if I can see the hope!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Healing Trauma
I vowed not to blog again until I dealt with my own trauma, and was in a better place to deal with my kid's trauma. I was wrong. Let me say it again for all of you who don't hear it enough... I WAS WRONG!!I have come to a place that I truly believe God gave me these blessings to heal my own crazy while helping them heal theirs. No easy feat, I tell ya', but there it is. That being said, I feel like maybe I could help others along the way. I'm no superwoman~ no, family (they really think I am), I'm not! I am broken and hurting and trying to make sense of my life. If me writing my journey through the loneliness and pain helps me, then it might help others.
I will not go into my own trauma here. I just don't think it's necessary or even beneficial to anyone. Just know it's there, and it makes me more like my RADlings than I care to admit. On many levels, I know that is why God gave them to me. I see myself in their eyes every. single. day. It is painful. It makes me want to turn away. It makes me physically ill. It makes me ANGRY! For their sakes I will choose to die to myself, and get the help I need, so that I can better understand how to heal their hearts before it is too late.
PS~ If you are related to me, and are worried I'm losing it and you feel the need to worry about me, please know that I AM okay, I WILL be fine, and this is nothing new under the sun. I am still the same person, now you just know a bit more than before.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Door Alarms, Pee, and Tantrums, Oh My
I was in denial! I thought our little RADling was having a pretty good run until this last week. I knew starting Kindergarten would set her back a ways, but I was unprepared for how it would affect her and the rest of our family as well. It has affected EVERYONE!
Lets begin at the beginning. Miss P was having a good first week at school, and even a pretty good second week. This last week she let it ALL hang out! She started last week with the usual pee/hygiene issues. We try not to let those get to us for the most part, but come on, after a while you just start to lose it! By the weekend it had progressed from hygiene to flat out peeing in her bed and sitting in it for hours- on purpose people. She woke up early and decided to pee her clothes and bed... while wearing a pull-up! But, I'm getting ahead of myself. On Thursday, I went to get her from her room time after school, and looked around to see quite a few things in her room that did not belong to her, most of them chewed beyond repair. I asked about them, and of course, received a lie. "They were here when I got home" ummmm... yeah, sure they were! Some time later, I got what I believe is the truth. She was sneaking out of her room at night, taking toys from the play room, and hiding them in her room to chew on later. This after her clogging the toilet with toilet paper in the middle of the night. When asked why she thought it was ok for her to get up in the middle of the night, she replied...
"I heard the bath water, so you and daddy were in the bath" (Yes, we bathe together most nights, it's our only time alone all day). Upon further investigation, she has been getting up most nights to do who knows what! And better still she had been pack ratting all kinds of things under her dresser that didn't belong to her! So off I went to get an alarm for her door. I thought we had a better handle on things than we do. I was wrong. One of the first things I read when I figured out Miss P had RAD was to get a door alarm. Silly me, I thought that was just for the serious hard core kids... guess I was way off base. I took all of the things she could destroy away, and left her with a few very basic toys. I feel like such a meanie! So, by Sunday morning when she peed the bed and laid/wallowed in it, and told me it was because she was too scared to open her door and go to the bathroom... let me tell you I just. about. LOST IT! Just in case you are wondering, I have ALL the kids pee before they go to bed, and we get nothing to drink after 8 o'clock. She had peed, by my estimation of the dampness of her bed and clothes, around 3 hours earlier... WAAAY before she usually gets up and has to pee! I know for alot of you this is TMI, but if it helps some of you out there understand where we are, then so be it.
To add to this little gem of a week, Lil C is going through a really tough adjustment period. He has started Pre-K two days a week and is going with us to Co-op on Fridays. He is very unsure about being away from me so often. Sadly, that usually means when he is around me, I get beat up on, whined at, and generally abused. He has been so very hard to take this last two weeks. I know it sounds like the usual three year old stuff, but if you could see the loathing in his eyes, you would know different. I spend most of my time with him trying to hold and comfort him while he rails against me and whines that he wants me at the same time. All the while, he is trying to throw himself on the floor and pitch a tantrum. His little brain is so conflicted. His impulse control is almost nothing these days, little people have been flying in all directions, so we mostly duck and cover! It's crazy!
And poor A2 is not handling these transitions much better, although, he is coming back around the bend much faster than we expected. He misses his little brother and sister dearly when they are gone. He mopes around here like a lost ghost. Unfortunately he has headed back down the familiar path of telling you what he thinks you want to hear anytime you ask him a question. That usually leads to lies and fabrications on his part, and much gnashing of the teeth on his parents part. I have been distracting him with lots of new school work, and he seems to be coming through it, so we're just keeping our fingers crossed.
So, now you know, and knowing is half the battle! Just so you know, this week is starting out a little better so far. No major tantrums and no PEEEEEE! Yea me!
Lets begin at the beginning. Miss P was having a good first week at school, and even a pretty good second week. This last week she let it ALL hang out! She started last week with the usual pee/hygiene issues. We try not to let those get to us for the most part, but come on, after a while you just start to lose it! By the weekend it had progressed from hygiene to flat out peeing in her bed and sitting in it for hours- on purpose people. She woke up early and decided to pee her clothes and bed... while wearing a pull-up! But, I'm getting ahead of myself. On Thursday, I went to get her from her room time after school, and looked around to see quite a few things in her room that did not belong to her, most of them chewed beyond repair. I asked about them, and of course, received a lie. "They were here when I got home" ummmm... yeah, sure they were! Some time later, I got what I believe is the truth. She was sneaking out of her room at night, taking toys from the play room, and hiding them in her room to chew on later. This after her clogging the toilet with toilet paper in the middle of the night. When asked why she thought it was ok for her to get up in the middle of the night, she replied...
"I heard the bath water, so you and daddy were in the bath" (Yes, we bathe together most nights, it's our only time alone all day). Upon further investigation, she has been getting up most nights to do who knows what! And better still she had been pack ratting all kinds of things under her dresser that didn't belong to her! So off I went to get an alarm for her door. I thought we had a better handle on things than we do. I was wrong. One of the first things I read when I figured out Miss P had RAD was to get a door alarm. Silly me, I thought that was just for the serious hard core kids... guess I was way off base. I took all of the things she could destroy away, and left her with a few very basic toys. I feel like such a meanie! So, by Sunday morning when she peed the bed and laid/wallowed in it, and told me it was because she was too scared to open her door and go to the bathroom... let me tell you I just. about. LOST IT! Just in case you are wondering, I have ALL the kids pee before they go to bed, and we get nothing to drink after 8 o'clock. She had peed, by my estimation of the dampness of her bed and clothes, around 3 hours earlier... WAAAY before she usually gets up and has to pee! I know for alot of you this is TMI, but if it helps some of you out there understand where we are, then so be it.
To add to this little gem of a week, Lil C is going through a really tough adjustment period. He has started Pre-K two days a week and is going with us to Co-op on Fridays. He is very unsure about being away from me so often. Sadly, that usually means when he is around me, I get beat up on, whined at, and generally abused. He has been so very hard to take this last two weeks. I know it sounds like the usual three year old stuff, but if you could see the loathing in his eyes, you would know different. I spend most of my time with him trying to hold and comfort him while he rails against me and whines that he wants me at the same time. All the while, he is trying to throw himself on the floor and pitch a tantrum. His little brain is so conflicted. His impulse control is almost nothing these days, little people have been flying in all directions, so we mostly duck and cover! It's crazy!
And poor A2 is not handling these transitions much better, although, he is coming back around the bend much faster than we expected. He misses his little brother and sister dearly when they are gone. He mopes around here like a lost ghost. Unfortunately he has headed back down the familiar path of telling you what he thinks you want to hear anytime you ask him a question. That usually leads to lies and fabrications on his part, and much gnashing of the teeth on his parents part. I have been distracting him with lots of new school work, and he seems to be coming through it, so we're just keeping our fingers crossed.
So, now you know, and knowing is half the battle! Just so you know, this week is starting out a little better so far. No major tantrums and no PEEEEEE! Yea me!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I quick update... then back to normal on Monday
Just a quick update! It has been a VERY long week and a half! Sorry for not posting, I've just been in the trenches with all the backlash from the little bit of love I saw from miss P! Seems everyone in our family has decided to dysregulate at the same time. In case you were wondering, there is NO fun in dysfunctional! As of now, we have an alarm on Miss P's door for reasons I'll detail in a later post, Awesome A2 is lying and when he's not lying, he's not talking, Lil C is violent and angry all the time, Lovely L is having what we think is a relapse of her Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and Eldest A is just too excited about her upcoming weekend with her best friend to bother being dysfunctional right now(even with the purple monster syndrome looming). And me??? I've had my yearly visit to the hoochy doctor, and lets say it was the WORST experience I've ever had in regards to this type of visit! So all in all, I'm hoping to get back to the regularly scheduled programming by Monday! Hope this weekend finds you all well and having more fun than me!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I missed you... and a REAL hug
For those of you who aren't well versed in RAD, Let me give you a little back ground. Miss P has been with us for over two years now, and I can count on two hands the times she has given me a sincere hug. I can count even fewer times that she has displayed a true REAL emotion besides hurt and anger towards myself or Big Daddy. Don't get me wrong, she pretends quite a few emotions, like sorrow, joy, happiness, but rarely are they REAL emotions. They are usually what she thinks you want to hear. BUT TODAY I GOT BOTH!!!!!!! And they were so very real!
Miss P started kindergarten last week. This was a choice that we put a lot of prayer and thought into. Today when she came home from school, I was just cleaning up and she walked right up to me, put her arms around me, and squeezed like no body's business. Not a shrug hug, not a creepy hug, not a stiff hug, she melted into me and REALLY hugged me. And then the impossible happened... she said "I missed you today mommy" in a real voice, with real emotion, and I was able to tell her I missed her too, because I HAVE missed her. Not the crazy Rad induced her, but the real her that I get to see so very rarely.
And then it happened... I felt it, and I cried. I cried so hard I had to leave the room. I cried so hard my kids asked if I was OK. I laughed and told them they were happy tears! I've been doing the happy crying dance all evening. The Lord has blessed us richly indeed! Funny how the hardest kid to love, brings me to tears with the sudden realization that all our hard work to show her love is finally paying off!
She then asked if she could sit with me through our Family Movie Night. And she did, and it was REAL, not stiff and weird! I'm not saying we're out of the woods, but it's nice to see a little progress once in a while. I'm hoping for a few more good days before we have a back slide. I know it's coming. I'm not a pessimist, this is progress, but with progress most of the time we regress a little after. I'm holding tight to the light God shined upon me today through that little blessing. It's going to get me through the darkness!
Lori
Miss P started kindergarten last week. This was a choice that we put a lot of prayer and thought into. Today when she came home from school, I was just cleaning up and she walked right up to me, put her arms around me, and squeezed like no body's business. Not a shrug hug, not a creepy hug, not a stiff hug, she melted into me and REALLY hugged me. And then the impossible happened... she said "I missed you today mommy" in a real voice, with real emotion, and I was able to tell her I missed her too, because I HAVE missed her. Not the crazy Rad induced her, but the real her that I get to see so very rarely.
And then it happened... I felt it, and I cried. I cried so hard I had to leave the room. I cried so hard my kids asked if I was OK. I laughed and told them they were happy tears! I've been doing the happy crying dance all evening. The Lord has blessed us richly indeed! Funny how the hardest kid to love, brings me to tears with the sudden realization that all our hard work to show her love is finally paying off!
She then asked if she could sit with me through our Family Movie Night. And she did, and it was REAL, not stiff and weird! I'm not saying we're out of the woods, but it's nice to see a little progress once in a while. I'm hoping for a few more good days before we have a back slide. I know it's coming. I'm not a pessimist, this is progress, but with progress most of the time we regress a little after. I'm holding tight to the light God shined upon me today through that little blessing. It's going to get me through the darkness!
Lori
Thursday, July 29, 2010
You Know It's going to be a Day when....
You wake your child up and they sneer at you!
You tell them to do their chore and they do everything but... notice I said chore, singular
The pull-up on your *5* year old is soaking wet, and she's been "potty trained" for years
You have to drag yourself out of bed and convince yourself to let the little herdlings out of bed
Your 3 year old is screaming at the top of his lungs at 6 am, just for fun (we don't get him up until 9)
Your first hug of the day is stiff and insincere
You make your child cry within seconds of being with her
You go to fix breakfast only to find out there is no milk, no cereal, no bread, no oatmeal, and the only option is eggs- and half your herlings ABHORE eggs
Your child with the hair (read Patience) has once again pulled it all out, after you spent 2 hours on it the previous night.
Your three year old hits you before he hugs you
The first words you hear are lies...
well, you get the idea!
Today we're praying for a good day, not just a day! So far we're doing ok.
You tell them to do their chore and they do everything but... notice I said chore, singular
The pull-up on your *5* year old is soaking wet, and she's been "potty trained" for years
You have to drag yourself out of bed and convince yourself to let the little herdlings out of bed
Your 3 year old is screaming at the top of his lungs at 6 am, just for fun (we don't get him up until 9)
Your first hug of the day is stiff and insincere
You make your child cry within seconds of being with her
You go to fix breakfast only to find out there is no milk, no cereal, no bread, no oatmeal, and the only option is eggs- and half your herlings ABHORE eggs
Your child with the hair (read Patience) has once again pulled it all out, after you spent 2 hours on it the previous night.
Your three year old hits you before he hugs you
The first words you hear are lies...
well, you get the idea!
Today we're praying for a good day, not just a day! So far we're doing ok.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
RAD kids
Ok, so I may be a bit slow, but I've come to the realization that I have two kiddos that are stuggling with Reactive Attachment Disorder. My youngest daughter is the most affected, but my oldest son is also working towards healing. When we started on this journey, I was blissfully unaware that my beautiful children were not mentally healthy. I fought that idea tooth and nail. I wanted "normal" kids who functioned without issue. I still fight the idea that my kids are not fully integrated into our family, and can't trust us or recieve love. It seems so unjust that after surviving the atrocities of their infancy and toddlerhood, and going through the uncertainty of being in a group foster home, that they cannot allow themselves to be loved by us. Especially when we have so much love to give them. I am working on getting a therapist that understands reactive attachment as well as Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and has a real plan for dealing with these issues. Currently I am just trying to deal day to day in the stuggle to give love to all my little herdlings in a way they can process. Even my Bio kids need love in different ways. So for now this momma is feeling stretched, pulled and downright torn by all the needs my kids have for me.
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