Thursday, October 21, 2010

Migraine Busting News!

Well, I still have a migraine, but this news has made it seem like an afterthought!  Some of you may know that I am crazy out of my mind these days and in need of a SERIOUS vacation.  What you don't know is that, in my heart of hearts, I have been dreaming of joining this wonderful lady on a RAD mom's retreat for several months now.  I've been trying to figure out ways to raise the money to pay for the room, board, travel, and extras (like adult beverages and massages) for weeks and it just wasn't happening!  Today she put out the word that if we were even THINKING about going to drop her a line, so I did.  I told her I was planning to come, just trying to figure out how.


This woman who doesn't know me, and many other beautiful women who donated to the scholarship fund, are making it possible for this little momma to have a room in Orlando with other moms who get it!  God has blessed me truly and richly this day through these women! 

Now, this being said, I still have to get there, pay for my food and travel while there, and maybe, just maybe come up with some money for boozing enjoying some adult beverages and possibly a much needed massage.  But I have a room to stay in, even if I have to walk  hitchhike to get there.  All in all not such a bad deal... I may be able to swing it.  I have a goal now... approximately $350 for flights, $160 for board, and $100 for extras if I can swing it.  $600 total, it is a BIG number... but I'm going to try!  Momma needs a vacation!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Not so artsy fartsy wednesday

Migraine is wrecking my plans for the day, so I thought I'd share a blog a read... it's funny because it's true.

You gotta see this video, and this one too!  So very funny.  Going back to migraine hideout (under the pillow on the couch) while all the little ones are still napping.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Have you ever had one of those moments?  One of those crazy feeling, forgetful moments?  Like when you have a whole blog post composed in your head, and it's beautiful, and meaningful, and timely, and you promise yourself you'll remember it in the morning, but you wake up and it's GONE, poof! GONE!

I've been sitting here all morning trying like crazy to remember what the post was even going to be about.  I got nothing.  I mean nothing!  All I can think about is the reoccurring dream I had all night last night.  Literally like 5 times.  And at what I can only assume was the end of the dream, I woke up with a start.  So I woke up at least five times last night in a cold sweat with my heart racing.  CRAZY!

I know you're just dying to know what my subconscious was screaming at me all night.  Do you really want to delve that far in?  Ok, here goes... I was dreaming I was floating on the water, but I was in a million pieces (we're working on a sphinx 3D puzzle right now if that helps) and I worked and worked to get all the pieces in order.  As soon as I got all the pieces in order and I was whole again, I was awakened in a panic.  Simple dream, not much to it, but when you dream it over again and again, it tends to wear on you.  Now I just can't get it out of my head.  And the one thing I really wanted to remember is gone.  I wish I could find the beauty I had in my head before all the crazy dreams took hold.  I feel as if I have forgotten myself and all that's left is a crazy dream of me in pieces. 

Monday, October 18, 2010

Manic Monday

For the last few weeks I've been completely off track.  I get derailed easily, VERY easily, so this is my attempt to be back on track.

1. Get Miss P to the clinic today for her chicken pox vaccine... she can't go back to school until I get it done... Oops!

2. Go through the clothes bucket for Lovely L and purge her closet.(It's a jungle in there!)

3. Start the applique work for Awesome A2's quilt~ hopefully get some of the squares sewn together too.

4. Focus on chores getting done (nothing has gotten done for the last few weeks).

5. Find a time to exercise this week... make it stick.

6. Put two to three dinners in the freezer because I've been steadily depleting my stash.

7.  PRAY PRAY PRAY... for every.little.thing, and some of the big things too, specifically how to make up the difference in cash flow after December 31st.

8. Call the HOA and set up the date for Miss P's birthday party.

9.  Print out Birthday invites for both Rockin' Writer and Miss P

10. Pack and get ready to leave for The Farm on Friday after Co-op.

Wish me luck!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Thankful Thursdays

Thankfulness is something I haven't thought about much in the last week or two.  I am choosing to be thankful today.  I am thankful today for a wonderful husband who puts our family above all else.  He is a problem solver, where I am a make it through-er.  He sees our family headed down a hard path and tries to make it a lighter load for me, even if it means doing without.  Even if it means more work for himself, he always makes our family and ME his top priority.  And I am so very thankful for that in a world where I am often not top priority for anybody.  He has worked hard against both nature and nurture to become the dad and husband and overall PERSON he is today.  And for all his hard work, I am thankful!  He makes my life whole and wonderful!

I am thankful today for my fabulous mom!  She is always there when I need her.  I never have to look too far or too long before she's there to guide me and give me a much needed kick in the pants!  I am thankful for the kick in the pants, by the way, it serves to force gently nudge me back on track, usually to take better care of myself so I can take better care of my family.  I love that even though we moved farther away, and she really doesn't like the drive over here, she will drop everything to come and help me out if I ask.  I am thankful for a mom who will be my best friend, but never fail to remind me she's still my mom too! 

I am thankful today for a good friend who sees me.  She sees who I am.  She sees when I need help.  She sees when I'm hurting.  And she helps.  Even with all her own problems and distractions in life, she sees me.  In a world where I feel invisible behind all the craziness of my family and my life that is something to be truly thankful for!  I am thankful today for a good friend who sees I need a break and finds a way to make it happen.  Even if it means I have to stay up until midnight to do it!  And yes, I stayed up till midnight last night, and I'm feeling it today!  I am thankful for her calm and truthful demeanor.  She stills my soul, and helps me see the truth in the midst of my tornadoes, even if those truths reveal something I don't want to see.  Today I am thankful for a friend who truly sees me.

I will let thankfulness reside in my heart today.  I will let it seep deep into my soul and make me smile and cry(cause we all know I can't be truly happy without crying).  I will be a better wife, mother, and person because I choose to be thankful for all that I have in the people who surround me.  One last thing... I am thankful for cereal... cause it saves my butt on a regular basis!  Just sayin'!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Questions Unaswered

Today it has been a week.  A week of never ending questions that will probably go unanswered until I see Jesus face to face.  A week of deep sorrow for the loss of a truly wonderful friend.  A week without our daily chats and smiles.  A week without Tony.  This week that seems as if it will stretch into eternity.

A man I spoke to nearly every day, whom I thought I knew well, who was a neighbor, but more than that, a good friend, took his own life a week ago today.  I am still processing this.  He was the person in my life who daily encouraged me that our family was doing OK.  He was the friend who would help if he could (it was a rare thing if he couldn't) and cheer you on if it was out of his reach.  He was a bear of a man, solid, and sure.  He loved my children, really loved them, and noticed the little things about them, like the light in their eyes on a particularly great day, or the set of their jaw on a particularly rough day.  He never failed to reach out and say hello, even when I was in a funk and it was obvious I didn't want to talk, he said hello anyway.  He loved his wife and his children with ferocity and tenderness that only a truly large man like Tony was can pull off.  And yet, he was hurting so much that he took his own life with no warning.  And we are all left to ask the unanswerable questions of why. 

His wife asks why. His children ask why. His family asks why.  His friends and coworkers ask why.  His neighbors ask why.  Our family asks why.  The neighborhood children ask why.  And we have NO ANSWERS for any of them.  The only answer we have today is that somewhere in the depths of his soul, he was in horrible amounts of pain.  The problem is, not one person knew it.  He had deep hurts that seemed insurmountable, and yet no one knew...  Beyond the question of why is the question of how.  How is it possible that a person that you see every day, who is always uplifting and helpful and sweet, can be so very hurt on the inside and no one in their life can see it.  How can a person hide that well from everyone in their life?   Putting on a facade for the neighbors, friends, and coworkers I can see, but how do you hide that from your spouse, your children?  The questions seem to hit me like a ton of bricks when I'm not looking.

His wife is staying with a friend in town for the time being, and we are taking care of the house.  But every time she comes home, there are the questions.  Do we go over and offer to help her? Does she want to be alone?  Should we leave her alone?  Should we try to pick up his things that are all over the house?  Should we leave everything the way it was and let her heal in the midst of it all?  How does one heal from someone else's deadly wounds?  How does a person heal from the loss of their spouse?  I cannot fathom it.  I.just.CAN'T.

I look around these days and wonder.  How many of my friends have contemplated suicide in secret?  How many people in my life just skim the surface and not let people into the dark places where they need help?  Are you one of them?  Today, I tell you, I am here!!!  I can take your pain, I can take your reality, I can take your dark places.  I cannot, however, take losing you, any of you.  My life may seem crazy and complicated to some of you, but there's always room for more complicated and crazy here.  Bring me your complicated and crazy, I'll take it over these unanswered questions any day.