Hello Again!

I know I fell completely off the face of the earth. Things here have been... well, in a word strange. My life has taken some very odd twists and turns, and yet it all goes on as if time should pass normally. I have found a tiny bit of peace in my life in the midst of it all swirling around like a tornado, and I thought I'd share.



I have come to peace with the knowledge that my children may need to be medicated to lead a happy, "normal" life. I have also come to the same conclusion for myself, at least for the short term. I know there are some (possibly many) of you who would disagree. I would have disagreed with this decision a year ago, trust me. I have put much thought and focus and research into this, and after it was all said and done, we put lil' C on meds for sleep at night and regulation during the day. I wish I had done it earlier. He is so much happier and is having fun like a four year old should. Are the meds magic? Far from it, but if they can help him learn how to process life through a new, better filter, how can I NOT give him that opportunity? With the support of our post adoptive services (who I LOVE with all my heart, because they SEE us and love on us and our kids constantly) we now have a plan for healing for my little man! I could not be happier.


My road to healing has been a bit bumpier than I envisioned. After several panic attacks, one dissociative event, and many, many tears, I sought help. It has not been easy to find. Good, gentle, and helpful therapsists and pdocs are evidently a rare commodity. I have done much of the work on my own, while still looking for the right fit. I found a wonderful pdoc for myself who was able to help, if not fully comprehend the scope of my life. Not that it's all that easy to understand these days! I am now feeling more like myself than I have in more than 14 years. I can get up and move, I can even *gasp* exercise. If you have never been in the pit, you have no idea how hard those very simple things can be, and how precious they can be. I am still in search of a therapist, but things are looking brighter by far.



Looking forward to getting (and keeping) my life back! Being the consummate non-finisher that I am, I don't plan on keeping up with that 30 day photo challenge I put up, but I may construct another one for myself... something along the lines of "Thirty days in the life...". Loving you all and looking forward to sharing more soon!

Day 1 Photo Challenge

This is me in all my work clothes glory!  Not a picture I love, but it's pretty accurate. This is my daily attire while I work and slave doing what I love.  So here are the 10 facts about me...

1. I didn't realize how much I've changed until I took this picture
2. I will be eating right and exercising soon
3. I am more in love with my husband than ever before
4. I love my herdlings more than I love myself
5. I am officially a business woman (who knew?)
6. I am broken inside, and I know it
7. I love all things old and dusty
8. My aunt gave me bags full of treasure this weekend, and it makes me giddy
9. I had a pretty awesome childhood and still talk to the kids on the block
10. Probably most important~ God is working big things in my life right now

Now take a look at that lady one more time... she will be changed by the end of this 30 day challenge... I guarantee it!

30 Day Photo Challenge

Alright, I stole this from my good fiend friend Dory(love ya' girlie!), and tweaked it just a bit, but the concept stuck with me.  Play along if you want and post your blog in the comments section, so we can all see your life in pictures for the next 30 days.



Here are the daily suggestions. Feel free to alter them if you wish.  Now I'm off to take a picture of myself that I can live with and blog about.  Just a side note, looks like you'll be seeing more than a few pics of Big Daddy, he fits almost every category!


Day 1: A picture of yourself with 10 facts.




Day 2: A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.



Day 3: A picture of the cast of players in your house.



Day 4: A picture of your night.



Day 5: A picture of your favorite memory.



Day 6: A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day.



Day 7: A picture of your most treasured item.



Day 8: A picture that makes you laugh.



Day 9: A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.



Day 10: A picture of the person who you do the most messed up things with.



Day 11: A picture of something you hate.



Day 12: A picture of something you love.



Day 13: A picture of you with each one of your kids~individually.



Day 14: A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.



Day 15: A picture of something you want to accomplish before you die.



Day 16: A picture of someone who inspires you.



Day 17: A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.



Day 18: A picture of your biggest insecurity.



Day 19: A picture of your favorite letter or number.



Day 20: A picture of yourself in the morning- no cheating.



Day 21: A picture of something you wish you could forget.



Day 22: A picture of something you wish you were better at.



Day 23: A picture of your favorite book.



Day 24: A picture of something you wish you could change.



Day 25: A picture of your day.



Day 26: A picture of something that means a lot to you.



Day 27: A picture of yourself and a family member.



Day 28: A picture of something you’re afraid of.



Day 29: A picture of something that can always make you smile.



Day 30: A picture of someone you miss.

Therapy... For me

I've talked about it in the past.  I've had very little success finding it.  But this week, I finally located it.  This "it" I speak of, what is it?  HELP!  That's what it is!  I think I've finally found it, and it's right here in the neighborhood, too!

This help comes in the form of a therapist.  I spoke with her on the phone at length about my/our situation and not only does she think she can help me, she knows all about RAD!  Unfortunately she doesn't take on kids as clients, but she has several RAD moms in her care.  She even asked what therapies we're using!  So far I'm thrilled with her.  We have our first in person session next week.  Let the healing begin.

The downside?  I almost threw up just dialing her number.  I am terrified, folks!  I was literally shaking just leaving a message for her.  While we were on the phone and I was giving her some background info, I was nanoseconds from having a panic attack.  Reliving the past, and healing old wounds is an EXTREMELY horrifying concept for me.  I spent the day just shy of the fetal position, and avoided my family and my parents (sorry mom) for fear of having someone notice my terror and having to talk about it.  Who knew healing was so scary?!  Writing this post, I'm still feeling a little sick to my stomach, but I am doing it!  I will heal, I will get through this, and I will come out the other side better for it, and better for helping my kids heal.  I am going to be brave!  Don't be fooled, healing is truly hero work.  Just ask my kids!

The Invisible Child

I have an invisible child.  No, his name is not "Not Me" or "I didn't do it" or even " I dunno".  He is none of those things, he is very real and yet somehow, he escapes notice around here quite often.  He is quiet, he is compliant, he fly just under the radar most days.  He is my son.

With all the drama that happens here on a daily basis, his willingness to stay unnoticed makes him darn near invisible.  You would think with all the constant discipline issues in our house, that would be a blessing, right?  Well, some days I won't lie, it IS a huge blessing, but most days I just feel horrid about it. 

You see, he is a RAD kid too.  He is healing, he has his moments, but he is healing.  And yet, he just dissappears most days in the face of his more demonstrative siblings!  And with the lack of energy to deal with more, I let him.  Lately he has been headed the wrong way... you know, the way of the RAD, *that* way.  And I really am starting to wish I had spent more time chasing down the invisible kid.  

I have guilt, mommy guilt, hard core mommy sucks at this theraputic parenting thing guilt, guilt that seeps into my very soul.  Because I could have prevented this invisible kiddo from the backsliding I've been witness to.  He is crying out for help by becoming what he sees in his siblings every day, what he worked so hard to get past.  And all I had to do was pay attention.  All I had to do was take time to notice.  And I didn't.  Because I was so caught up in all that is our crazy family life and my own stuff.  And that, readers, is a sorry excuse!  I love this boy more than life itself, but I let him slip by one too many times. 

I am hoping to be able to give him more of what he needs.  I am hoping to be a better mommy, if just for today.  I am hoping he decides being invisible is only for comic books, and in real life, it's much better to be here and present in the moment.  Wanna join me in some hope?  Love your invisible child today, hold them till they feel real.

Progress

Last night the most amazing thing happened. I know some of you who read this will see it as "normal" behaviour.  In our house, I can assure you it is not her "normal", it is HUGE progress! 

After her first day back to school after spring break, I have to say it went fairly well. She stayed on green all day long.  She seemed to be in a decent mood, but not with out the usual stick poking and general dirty looks we have come to expect.  To be honest, it was just a regular day in the life.  And then something extraordinary happened.

We were going about our regular bedtime routine, and were about to head upstairs when she shocked me into almost silence for several minutes.  She looked up into my eyes ( a HUGE thing in and of itself), and said "Mommy, lets stick together like glue until bedtime"  and proceeded to put her little arm around my waist and "glue" her bum to my thigh as we walked up the stairs.  We unglued long enough to brush her teeth and go pee, and even those things, which are usually a fight, went well.  As soon as we were done with the hugs all around, she just wrapped her arm around me again and we three leg walked to her bed.  She unglued reluctantly and held me tight as we said our prayers.  As I walked out of the room, she said "I love you, mom, see you in the morning" and she REALLY meant it!  I loved every minute of it!

This morning she was back to her "normal" tricks.  Pretending she didn't know how to open the pantry, eating her breakfast like a three year old, dirty looks galore, pretending to not know how to get out of the van, but I got a whole thirty minutes of pure love the night before, and that gives me hope!  I can endure all the stick poking if I can see the hope!

Healing Trauma

I vowed not to blog again until I dealt with my own trauma, and was in a better place to deal with my kid's trauma.  I was wrong.  Let me say it again for all of you who don't hear it enough... I WAS WRONG!!

I have come to a place that I truly believe God gave me these blessings to heal my own crazy while helping them heal theirs.  No easy feat, I tell ya', but there it is.  That being said, I feel like maybe I could help others along the way.  I'm no superwoman~ no, family (they really think I am), I'm not!  I am broken and hurting and trying to make sense of my life.  If me writing my journey through the loneliness and pain helps me, then it might help others.

I will not go into my own trauma here.  I just don't think it's necessary or even beneficial to anyone.  Just know it's there, and it makes me more like my RADlings than I care to admit.  On many levels, I know that is why God gave them to me.  I see myself in their eyes every. single. day.  It is painful.  It makes me want to turn away.  It makes me physically ill.  It makes me ANGRY!  For their sakes I will choose to die to myself, and get the help I need, so that I can better understand how to heal their hearts before it is too late.

So things on this blog may take a turn.  Not for the worse, hopefully for the better, but most certainly off the well worn path.  If you care to join me, I'd be happy to hold a hand for a while, share some laughs, and walk for a while with you.  Come join me on my journey.

PS~  If you are related to me, and are worried I'm losing it and you feel the need to worry about me, please know that I AM okay, I WILL be fine, and this is nothing new under the sun.  I am still the same person, now you just know a bit more than before.