The Invisible Child

I have an invisible child.  No, his name is not "Not Me" or "I didn't do it" or even " I dunno".  He is none of those things, he is very real and yet somehow, he escapes notice around here quite often.  He is quiet, he is compliant, he fly just under the radar most days.  He is my son.

With all the drama that happens here on a daily basis, his willingness to stay unnoticed makes him darn near invisible.  You would think with all the constant discipline issues in our house, that would be a blessing, right?  Well, some days I won't lie, it IS a huge blessing, but most days I just feel horrid about it. 

You see, he is a RAD kid too.  He is healing, he has his moments, but he is healing.  And yet, he just dissappears most days in the face of his more demonstrative siblings!  And with the lack of energy to deal with more, I let him.  Lately he has been headed the wrong way... you know, the way of the RAD, *that* way.  And I really am starting to wish I had spent more time chasing down the invisible kid.  

I have guilt, mommy guilt, hard core mommy sucks at this theraputic parenting thing guilt, guilt that seeps into my very soul.  Because I could have prevented this invisible kiddo from the backsliding I've been witness to.  He is crying out for help by becoming what he sees in his siblings every day, what he worked so hard to get past.  And all I had to do was pay attention.  All I had to do was take time to notice.  And I didn't.  Because I was so caught up in all that is our crazy family life and my own stuff.  And that, readers, is a sorry excuse!  I love this boy more than life itself, but I let him slip by one too many times. 

I am hoping to be able to give him more of what he needs.  I am hoping to be a better mommy, if just for today.  I am hoping he decides being invisible is only for comic books, and in real life, it's much better to be here and present in the moment.  Wanna join me in some hope?  Love your invisible child today, hold them till they feel real.

Progress

Last night the most amazing thing happened. I know some of you who read this will see it as "normal" behaviour.  In our house, I can assure you it is not her "normal", it is HUGE progress! 

After her first day back to school after spring break, I have to say it went fairly well. She stayed on green all day long.  She seemed to be in a decent mood, but not with out the usual stick poking and general dirty looks we have come to expect.  To be honest, it was just a regular day in the life.  And then something extraordinary happened.

We were going about our regular bedtime routine, and were about to head upstairs when she shocked me into almost silence for several minutes.  She looked up into my eyes ( a HUGE thing in and of itself), and said "Mommy, lets stick together like glue until bedtime"  and proceeded to put her little arm around my waist and "glue" her bum to my thigh as we walked up the stairs.  We unglued long enough to brush her teeth and go pee, and even those things, which are usually a fight, went well.  As soon as we were done with the hugs all around, she just wrapped her arm around me again and we three leg walked to her bed.  She unglued reluctantly and held me tight as we said our prayers.  As I walked out of the room, she said "I love you, mom, see you in the morning" and she REALLY meant it!  I loved every minute of it!

This morning she was back to her "normal" tricks.  Pretending she didn't know how to open the pantry, eating her breakfast like a three year old, dirty looks galore, pretending to not know how to get out of the van, but I got a whole thirty minutes of pure love the night before, and that gives me hope!  I can endure all the stick poking if I can see the hope!

Healing Trauma

I vowed not to blog again until I dealt with my own trauma, and was in a better place to deal with my kid's trauma.  I was wrong.  Let me say it again for all of you who don't hear it enough... I WAS WRONG!!

I have come to a place that I truly believe God gave me these blessings to heal my own crazy while helping them heal theirs.  No easy feat, I tell ya', but there it is.  That being said, I feel like maybe I could help others along the way.  I'm no superwoman~ no, family (they really think I am), I'm not!  I am broken and hurting and trying to make sense of my life.  If me writing my journey through the loneliness and pain helps me, then it might help others.

I will not go into my own trauma here.  I just don't think it's necessary or even beneficial to anyone.  Just know it's there, and it makes me more like my RADlings than I care to admit.  On many levels, I know that is why God gave them to me.  I see myself in their eyes every. single. day.  It is painful.  It makes me want to turn away.  It makes me physically ill.  It makes me ANGRY!  For their sakes I will choose to die to myself, and get the help I need, so that I can better understand how to heal their hearts before it is too late.

So things on this blog may take a turn.  Not for the worse, hopefully for the better, but most certainly off the well worn path.  If you care to join me, I'd be happy to hold a hand for a while, share some laughs, and walk for a while with you.  Come join me on my journey.

PS~  If you are related to me, and are worried I'm losing it and you feel the need to worry about me, please know that I AM okay, I WILL be fine, and this is nothing new under the sun.  I am still the same person, now you just know a bit more than before.

Taking a break

Ok, I feel really rotten about this, but I'm taking a break from blogging about our family for now.  I am not in a great place personally, and it reflects on how I feel about my family.  I don't want this to become a dumping ground for all my "stuff", so until I get MY stuff under control and I can start my little herd on a healing journey, I am putting this blog on hold.

If you would like to keep up with my crafty journey in my new business, send me an email and I will add you to that blog.  It's pretty light and fun, just a peek into my crafty world.

Short update for the last month

Sorry!! It's been a crazy couple of weeks to say the least. I am trying to get better, and that requires me to rest frequently and TRY not to do too much. Yesterday I failed miserably at the last part... the 'nanna nut muffins pushed me over the edge! I am slowly but surely getting back to the way things were, so I thought I'd give you a quick update as to what we've been up to for the last month or so.

• Waaaay back in mid December I had the priviledge to spend the day celebrating Christmas with my extended family. It was such a blessing to see everyone, and those of you who couldn't make it, you were sorely missed. The food was fabulous (fajitas with all the fixin's) and the company was even better! It was a wonderful reminder of how much a REALLY TRULY love my family.

• I enjoyed a wonderful evening with some of the ladies from Co-op, and got a well deserved break from being a mom for the evening(thanks Big Daddy).

• I was inspired to start a new business, and given a name for it to boot! Paper Mountains blog went live today, which means I met my goal for getting it up and running by mid January... Yea me!!!!

• We spent a fun evening out as a family looking at Christmas lights and being lost in the wonder of it all.

• I took several trips to see my family doctor for a crazy cough that would NOT go away eventually seeing a pulmonologist who still had no answers, just steroids...

• We spent a wonderful Chritmas Eve at my parent's house culminating in a fabulous Vespers Dinner and sleeping children all around~ Ok, so they had to be seperated and no-one got to sleep without a good talking to, and sleep didn't come until nearly midnight and I was in tears, but sleep finally came for all of them. I am so blessed to have a mom and dad who love me and all my crazy life!

• Christmas day was a blur, but the standouts were Maple Bacon Oven Pancake, watching the kids open their gifts in their jammies, and a great evening with Big Daddy's extended family. Good food, and fun company.

• New Years was spent at the farm with Big Daddy's parents. It was uneventful in the best way, and we got to spend lots of time outside in nature, and Lovey L got to be with her Monkey and even rode for a while.

• All my big plans for the start of the year were put on hold the first Sunday of the year due to breaking a rib while coughing (yes, it really can happen).

• Fast Forward through the past few weeks of Vicoden and resting, and resting and Motrin, and more resting while the kids and Big Daddy were pulling my weight (which is considerable these days what with all the Vicoden and steroids) and here we are!

I am going to start schooling the kids again in something besides math and reading, and we'll be headed back to some kind of normal soon. Look for some Artsy Fartsy Wednedays and some other fun stuff dealing with RAD and our crazy brood coming soon.

In Loving Memory

After 12 beautiful years, our Princer Puppy has gone home.  He will be missed greatly.  Our family will never be the same without him.  Hopefully sometime in the near future, I will get back to my regular blogging schedule.  In the meantime, we will be trying to move forward one day at a time.

Memory Tree Lane

I'm sitting here by the computer's glow admiring my beautiful tree.  There are no ornaments on the lower third of it, there are clumps of ornaments all in one place, and huge holes where no ornament can be seen for what seems like miles, there's no star at the top, few ornaments there either for that matter, it's the only artificial tree I've EVER owned, there's no tinsel, and no flocking, but to me it's the most beautiful tree in the world.

It contains the memories of generations past, present, and future... in a way, it contains my life in a 4' by 9' space.  Let me show you my life in this little box of mine.  Let me take you down Memory Tree Lane.

Let's start with the obvious... my family of nuts in the tree.

 This little gem is only a replica, but it reminds me of my Oma's tree growing up.

 This is one of a collection from my Mema  I adore it in all it's plastic splendor.

This perfect little angel (made by yours truly) reminds me of beautiful times crafting with my Siewert Family.

 This stern little guy was made for me by my Uncle Tom and keeps my family far away close in my heart.

And last but certainly not least is this angelic ballerina from my Aunt Peggy... she believed in me against all odds... still does!

Then there are the friends who hang around all the nuts...

which apparently blogger doesn't like, so I'll be continuing this post in another post.  See you over there!